Train of thought - Bill

I have had lots of guilt bordering on shame about having Bill move out when he was stage 4 liver failure after Steve's addiction came to light, but today I had a train of thought that really helped.

I was in the bathroom, looking for bobby pins when I came across a gallon size ziplock baggie with a beautiful makeup brush set and makeup mirror.

I have a sucky memory, so I don't remember where the brush set and mirror came from, but it looked like something Bill would have given me as a Christmas present.

This morning, these are the thoughts that I had - 

Bill didn't give many people gifts, but he gave them to me ... probably because he lived with me.

He had told me that if Steve and I wouldn't have taken him in, he thinks he would have been on the street. I often told him that wouldn't have happened, but since then, I'm not sure that he was wrong.

But I had "kicked him out" after Steve's prescription opiod addiction had come to light and Bill had a very generous attitude. 

I did not feel comfortable having Bill, who had chronic back issues and pain medicine to control his pain, in the same house with Steve who had an addiction to that very medicine.

So, I told Bill he'd have to leave after living with us for 9 years previous.

Bill was often sick because of his liver failure, so I contacted the subsidized apartments for those with disabilities, picked up the application and after Bill filled out the info, I returned it to the apartment supervisor - even going to another building to find her to give it to her since she wasn't in her office. I contacted her often to make sure the info was in and to see where he was on the list, and when he'd secured an apartment, Steve, the kids, and I moved Bill into his apartment and set things up for him: his bed, computer desk, and tv. He said he could unpack his own boxes.

The next train-car-of-thought validated me that I hadn't "kicked him out" to land in the street, like he thought would happen if we hadn't taken him in, but I set a boundary to make me feel more secure in my home, life that gave Steve a chance to rehabilitate without constant temptation in just the next room, and to keep my marriage intact if it could stay that way. 

I kept in contact with Bill and with his nurse and helped as I could. It wasn't a perfect scenario, but I couldn't see a better one at the time. 

I feel better after looking at it through this lens than the emotional lens that kept me feeling like I'd let Bill down.