Friday, March 5, 2010

Unnamed as of yet


It was drizzling rain as I walked out of my house. Everything was drenched and seemed waterlogged. I walked down the sidewalk holding fast to my umbrella and trying to avoid the puddles. I was on my way to work and didn't want to look disheveled before the day even started.

I loved this farm and all it stood for, but occasionally the naturalness of it got to me, and this was one of those times.

The city, with its well manicured parks, its street cleaners, its well swept concrete everything with all of its order seemed to be utopia. Other times, in my schizophrenic desires, I loved the country for its imperfection, which seemed to be perfection on its own. But for days where I needed to look orderly and fashionable, the drippy country seemed quite a lesser kingdom.

I walked to my SUV and unlocked the doors. There was really no reason to lock them, out here in the middle of nowhere, but it made me feel a little safer, nonetheless.

I climbed in to the driver's seat and put all of my baggage on the floor. This was the bridge between my worlds. A Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited: a beautiful, comfortable vehicle with power everything, leather seats, and a premium sound system mixed with 4 wheel drive and a gutsy engine. It got me where I needed to go and let me look good doing it.

A few years ago I would have just settled for a minivan filled with kids. A clunky old car seat seemed like perfection. A floor carpeted with crumbs from well loved cookies and sandwich crusts wedged between the seats would be heaven. But that life wasn't to be.

When we bought this farm on over a hundred acres with the house full of windows and light, the plan was to fill up all of the bedrooms with babies. But after last year's battle with cancer, the future seemed to hold a very different life than the one we'd planned. Jack's battle with cancer had been a losing one, and after all that surgery and chemo could do, it was simply no use.

So onward and upward. I'd make this life work come hell or high water. And occassionaly the high water kept me a prisoner on my little island hell that once was paradise.

This creek that was acting like a bubbly brook this morning, could by tonight, be a massive torrent threatening anyone's life who dared to pass. I'd have to be careful as I came home in the dark to make sure that its waters were benign. Note to self: be aware of what is around you physically, even though mentally you are in a coma. part 2

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